Today I read an article that started off with the sentence “The reality that we humans cannot choose who we fall in love with is both a blessing and a curse, especially for the highly sensitive person” (source).
Over Christmas break, I discovered that I’m what’s considered a highly sensitive person, so I’ve been researching that personality trait to learn more about it.
I don’t know if the article quoted above is good or not. I didn’t read past the first sentence…
That sentence made me pause and raise my eyebrows. Really? I thought, “The reality that we humans cannot choose who we fall in love with...”?
Rolling my eyes, I pulled up a new tab in my browser and hopped over here to Joy Because Grace so I can refute this fact. Because I think it’s a common mindset that isn’t true according to the Bible.
The website where I found this article doesn’t hold Christian beliefs, but I think this “uncontrolled-ness” of falling in love is a common thought between Christians and non-Christians alike.
So let’s discuss the assumption this article presented: Can we choose who we fall in love with?
I say yes. Yes, we can.
The whole concept of “falling in love” has always seemed odd to me. Just the wording of it. Because, if love is like falling into a hole, we don’t have control of it. Well, unless we walk around the hole.
The problem is, I’ve noticed that people can fall in and out of love. This sort of love is fleeting.
I find myself like Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride: “I don’t think this word means what you think it means.” Perhaps the phrase we’re looking for is “falling in infatuation.” Or maybe, “falling in attraction.” Maybe “falling in lust.” Or even, “falling in ‘like’.”
I posted a survey on both Instagram Stories and on my Facebook page, asking if people thought falling in love was involuntary or if we have a choice in the matter.
As you can see, the “We have a choice” option won… but not by all that much.
Some people commented and shared their thoughts, and I wanted to share their opinions with you before I share mine:
Personally, I don’t think falling in love is involuntary. Thus, unlike the article I quoted at the beginning, I think we aren’t forced to fall in love with someone. I think this for three reasons…
1. Love is more than just a fleeting feeling.
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (NIV).
Love your enemies. Such a strange idea, especially if love is based on feelings. “I don’t feel like loving my enemies, so I’m not going to,” would be a common thought. Yet, we’re called by Jesus to love even when it’s hard. Even when we don’t feel like it.
1 Corinthians 13 is commonly considered the “love chapter” of the Bible. In verses 4-8a, this is how that chapter describes love:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Love doesn’t just feel. In the words of Bob Goff, “Love does!”
Love is action.
Love is a conscious choice that requires intentional action. The very verb “fall”, in the context of “falling in love”, indicates a lack of intentionality – it means we love by accident. True, lasting love is never an accident. It takes work.”
-Phylicia Masonheimer (“How to Know If It’s Love or Infatuation”)
Someone commented on my Facebook poll: “…At the best of times, [love] is joyful and exciting and so wonderful it feels involuntary. At other times it feels hard, which is why we need, especially in marriage, to obediently choose to love even when it doesn’t feel easy…”
I love how she put that: It feels involuntary, but it ultimately comes down to your choice.
Love is someone saying, “I may not feel like I love you right now, but I’m going to choose to anyway!”
In the words of the wise snowman Olaf from Disney’s Frozen, “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.”
Related: 7 Lessons Frozen Teaches Us About Love
2. Love is a choice.
If love is forced, it’s not really love at all. A good example of this is how God gave us free will to choose if we’ll love Him or not. God could have forced us to love Him. He could have made us robots or puppets who blindly worship and adore Him.
But He didn’t… because forcing someone to love you isn’t really love at all.
So saying that “Humans cannot choose who they fall in love with” implies that we are forced to fall in love with someone. That we cannot choose otherwise. If that is the case, is this really love?
I don’t want to fall in love with my boyfriend because I can’t choose to do otherwise because it’s forced upon me. I want to choose to love him. And I’d rather him choose to love me than be forced to love me as well!
As Professor Slughorn says,
“[This love potion] doesn’t really create love, of course. It is impossible to manufacture or imitate love. No, this will simply cause a powerful infatuation or obsession. It is probably the most dangerous and powerful potion in this room – oh yes,” he said, nodding gravely at Malfoy and Nott, both of whom were smirking skeptically. “When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love …”
-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Source)
If someone used that love potion, the recipient wouldn’t really love the giver! It would be fake love, infatuation acting as love.
Forced love isn’t true love at all. We have a choice in who we love and in how we love.
3. Love is more than butterflies.
Yes, when you are in a dating relationship you should feel strongly attracted to the person that you’re dating (even if you don’t feel attracted right away, as exhibited in Phylicia and Josh Masonheimer’s love story).
But “attraction” isn’t necessarily synonymous with “love.” You can feel attracted to someone and not love them.
Someone commented on Facebook: “I personally think that infatuation is something that happens overnight. You can really, really like a person… but love comes with time and heartache. Love comes with sacrifice and genuine care. Love is a choice!”
I LOVE how she put that. Yes, infatuation can happen instantly. Crushes can come like a sudden storm. But love takes time.
It’s normal to feel butterflies, but I’ve been told that those butterflies eventually fade. And what then? Do you leave the relationship and go looking for more fluttery-feelings?
Relationships have to be built on more than just feelings. Feelings are important, but as I’ve stated, love is more than that. Love is a choice.
So to answer the original question: Can we choose who we fall in love with?
Yes, we can, because love is more than involuntary “falling.” Love is action, love is a choice, and love is more than butterflies.
So when you choose who to love, make sure you choose to love a guy who is also committed to loving you with the action sort of love. Make sure you choose to love a guy who is respectful, kind, and patient. Love a guy who you genuinely like as a person, someone you have fun with. And most of all, choose to love a guy who loves God more than he loves you.
I’d love to know your thoughts! Is falling in love involuntary or do we have a choice?
Let’s be Instagram friends! @joybecausegrace
Barbie
Lovely post. at this precise moment I feel like I did not choose but we were meant to be. strong connection. on higher vibration. separation. sag/aries. he is younger. anything possibly related to soulmates. but I have trust issue, he is a kind of player with girls, and he did not expect our connection going so far too. I have stomach ache, and am walking away. thinking of him is obsessive. we never met. it’s the kind of guy I do not consider. I am divided to say the least. inner conflict. silence will bring clarity. I hope so. good luck I wish it will be a cute valentine soon :)
Rosy
5 months ago I met I girl in Berlin, she was doing a training period of one month and me I was working as a flight attendant; we started to date and being together for only two weeks, because she left Berlin to return in France, her country. We connected very well and we said to each other that we like each other so much and the separation was hard for us. We laughed, walked,kissed, visited all Berlin together. Then she left. We decided then to stay in touch and we did it for 4 months by texting and sending letters. I proposed to her to meet in France , but for the Covid-19 I was forced to go to visit her only 4 months after (in 29 of june, I’m actually here). It felt very strange… Like “it’s not real, not possible”, we were both not capable of realising that… Like we had to RECONNECT on that level (when we were in Berlin together).
We have put efforts to wait… To dedicate a part of our life to message during those times… We plan to see each other again… Can I choose consciously to love? I had some strong feeling in the initial-short phase in Berlin, but with the distance and time I don’t have those feeling anymore… But I don’t want to give up just for that.
Anon Y. Mouse
Thanks for this. My situation by my own hand has become difficult. In being in an abusive situation, I have chosen to provide Godly love in the absence of romantic love. I assumed that would be enough and fulfilling. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I have been left hungering for the level of companionship that a romantic relationship would provide. I agree with your feelings here on the active components of love. I have found myself illogically and undesirably attracted to someone and am now beginning to have feelings that are greater then self serving or short-lived rose- colored glasses infatuation. Logically, I do not want this. But logically, this person literally fits everything I have searched for in a spouse and I have to see them several times per week because of work.
I don’t see myself acting on this other then to be empathetic and a friend. Thankfully due to the pandemic I will not have to endure being in their presence.
I offer that I did not and would not choose this. There are both logical and emotional components to this that I do not understand. I opened myself up to be susceptable to this. Now that it is here I am certain I will bear the scars of this for quite some time.
In short, I believe that I have fallen in love against my own will.
Courtney Ellis
Very wonderful post!
I agree with the thinking that “falling-in-love” or “falling-out-of-love” exists. I believe God gives us the free choice to who we decide to fall in love with. God has given us a free will to decide and make choices, for example, choosing Him or the world. Can we not apply this to choosing if we decide to fall in love with a certain person or not? God gives us the gift of allowing us to choose whom we want to love. It’s our responsibility to choose someone that is godly and can benefit us. If falling “in love” was out of our control, and it just happened, then wouldn’t we be falling in love with everyone we came across, even someone we aren’t attracted to? In the end, I do believe we have a choice, but ultimately God is the One to open or shut doors. As long as we obey Him, blessings will come from that. :) We can choose to love someone just as we can choose to stop loving someone. It’s tough sometimes, and we must work hard, but it is real. ;)
Mercy
Hey, Thanks so much for this….was really helpful. God bless you. Mercy from Uganda
Emma Grabin
I love this post! I think you did a great job explaining this subject. I also love the literary/movie references! 😊 You’re awesome!
Leah Grace
This is a very interesting topic! I definitely agree that we choose who we fall in love with. It all depends where we set our attentions on, our focus, our time! Love your insight
Emily
I agree that it’s a choice and love the distinction of infatuation vs. love. What a good, thought-provoking question though! It’s fun to see what different people think :-)
Raquel
I agree that we choose who we fall in love with, but I also believe we shouldn’t trust our hearts when it comes to falling in love with someone that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. We are humans and we lack imperfections and God says in the Bible that, his ways are not our ways and he also says that the men’s heart is deceitful, basically meaning that we need to be guided by Him. There are many people who were deceive in their hearts by infatuation and ended up getting marry by the wrong men. Yes, love is a choice, but you will need the Holy Spirit to tell you if it is just a temporary feeling or if you have actually fallen in love.
Raquel
I meant to say, we lack perfection 😂 sorry
Morgan P.
Hey, Kara! Thanks for this post! It was really good!