When Bonnie told me her story, I immediately asked her if she would consider sharing it here on Joy Because Grace. I’ve had other guest bloggers share about writing letters to your future husband (you can read those here and here), but I thought it would be awesome for Bonnie to share why she firmly believes that you should NOT write to your future husband.
Without further ado, take it away, Bonnie! :)
I want to give you a piece of advice I wish someone had given me. While writing letters to your “future husband” may not be a bad thing in and of itself, this practice created far more harm than good in my personal experience. It led to serious disappointment, a rough year emotionally, and crushed expectations.
For a girl who’s never been in a relationship, I can honestly say I have never experienced a more devastating heartbreak in my life. And, it was pretty much all self-inflicted.
Just as drinking to the point of being drunk is a form of self-harm, excessively writing these letters became exactly that for me—toxic. But, I’ll come back to that later.
If there’s one thing I would go back and tell my 2017 self, it’s this: don’t write letters to your future husband.
These letters first started in a “future husband” journal I made on Valentine’s Day 2017.
One day, I remember my coworker saying, “One of these Valentine’s Days, you’re going to have a boyfriend, and it’s going to be awesome.” She didn’t say this to me, but this statement got me thinking about this “someday”. And the idea hit me: I could write letters to this future “someday” person, and give them to him as a gift whenever we got married.
This idea that was already implanted in my mind from other blog writers became born onto paper as I wrote my first letter that night. I talked about what my coworker said, and how even though I didn’t have a boyfriend for this Valentine’s Day or any of the past ones, maybe someday I would. And until then, I would write to him.
The following letters picked up in the summer when I got home from college and briefly followed me into the busy fall semester of junior year. Thankfully, the letters stopped once and for good at the end of that year.
One of the many bad things about this practice was the fact that I began turning to write in this journal first.
Writing letters to my “future husband” became almost an addictive thing for me. If I was having a bad day, I’d tell him about it. If I got asked out or messaged by a guy, I’d let him know. If I had a major life update happen—such as getting baptized this particular summer—he got all of the details first.
Instead of praying about my day or writing in my personal journal about my everyday memories, I constantly gave them all to a person who wasn’t even in my life yet.
These letters and the idea of getting married went from being a healthy desire to an unhealthy idol.
And that’s not the only bad thing that happened…
Writing letters to my “future husband” put me in an unrealistic future-focused mindset instead of a present-tense mindset. It changed the way I saw every guy around me.
It made me discontent with my singleness, constantly dwelling on and dreaming of the day things would be different. It made me frustrated with God and His timing. It made me compare myself with those around me who were in relationships or getting engaged. It made me idolize marriage.
And, worst of all, I ended up breaking my own heart, and it took an entire year for me to heal.
You see, I believed the lie that everything in my life would get better the minute I actually had someone to give these letters to.
This is what happened, in short.
In the summer of 2017, I wrote letters to my “future husband” almost every day. I don’t know how or why I chose to write in that journal so much, but once I started writing letters, it was really hard for me to stop. I couldn’t see the harm in it initially. I figured, wasn’t it a cute idea? Wouldn’t it be a great gift to give someone someday?
When I wrote in these letters, God began to communicate with me. With everything God said, I pointed each statement to come to my own false conclusion: my future husband is going to be this one, specific person I vaguely knew from a church I had just started going to. Every clue God told me led me to believe this one guy was in fact, going to be my future husband.
While this might sound kind of silly, I seriously believed it was going to be him, and he was going to be my “one” and the recipient of my letters. I foolishly acted like I knew my own future. God couldn’t have meant anyone else, right?
Let me tell you, looking at a guy as if he were yours is nothing but a terrible, awful idea!
I finished the summer and went into my junior year daily dreaming and thinking of this one guy I only had a few encounters with. I told my closest friends about him and how I believed I was going to marry him because I thought God told me so. I relived our sweet conversations a thousand times and convinced myself that his kindness could lead to him liking me back someday, and eventually, getting married. In my heart, he was mine.
Because I wrote those letters and because I chose to believe my own truth out of what God spoke to me, I set myself up for the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced.
Building up imaginations and fantasies of a future with a guy who probably didn’t give much thought to the fact I existed was the worst way I could have ever treated my heart. This disillusionment was my own form of self-harm.
Reality hit me hard on September 13th, 2017.
I will never forget sitting on a bench before my class and scrolling on Instagram until everything paused at this one post—who I thought would be my “future husband” shared a picture with this girl from my school who had her hand on his chest with the caption, “I like you a lot.”
I stared in disbelief as the tears came.
The tears didn’t stop all throughout my American Literature class, or all of the rest of that day, or honestly for the rest of the year. I was crushed. Each time I saw one of this couple’s posts, I cried my eyes out. It made me terrified of going back to that church and seeing him again, sometimes even to this day. I was a wreck the entire day that I ran into them both in public and had to talk to them. It was bad.
I had never experienced depression, but this felt like that for me. I was truly heartbroken over this guy I never dated and his relationship with this girl. It broke my spirit in a way I could never put into words. All because I wrote those letters and believed I was going to marry him, because of what I thought God said.
Rebuilding my trust with God took some time, and finding healing from this situation took many, many months. This guy was not mine, he was probably never going to be mine, and why the heck did I tell myself all of those lies?
One of my best friends recently told me about her situation, “it’s a humbling experience when someone doesn’t want to be with you.” It surely is, even if the person doesn’t want to be with you simply because they don’t even know you yet. Any kind of rejection, whether direct or indirect, is painful. And it’s humbling.
As you can see, these letters led to discontent, false hopes, and heartache.
Don’t be like me and assume you know God’s plans, and don’t jump ahead of His timing. And girl, if you can help it, don’t write letters to your future husband. I can tell you it’s way much more trouble than it is worth.
Hello! My name is Bonnie and I’m a senior English Education major. In college, I love being a resident assistant and writing tutor as well as other campus involvements! My favorite ways to spend free time is through writing, being with friends and family and growing closer to the Lord.
Read more guest posts by Bonnie.
You can also find Bonnie at delightedlydependent.weebly.com – Her brand new blog!! :)
Connect with Kara on Instagram: @kara_beth17
Kaitlyn
Could you talk more about how you recovered from this heartbreak? How do you stop this future obsessed mindset?
Dominick smith
great
Dominick smith
best
Gretchen Bishop
First of all, you definitely can´t say any of this. You might have had a bad experience but the majority of people who write to their future spouse have actually a very great experience with it. I personally think you are discouraging people from growing cause that it what the book does. It helps you grow in your faith, helps your patience, your faith in Christ, waiting for HIS perfect timing, and helps you be a better person for the one that God has for you in the future. So ladies write to your future man! So men write to your future lady! Like all you guys keep saying girls keep getting their heart broken, okay so why do you let that happen? It´s not hard to wait at all for the one God has for you, so stop trying to look around. Cause if you ask God, He will put someone in your life that you feel like you don´t even have to look for he will be there. So please write to your future husband! You don´t have to tell him all the details about your life. Keep it simple- I write that I hope that he had a good day and then i tell him a lil about my day. I tell him about my personality now. Then, I tell him that I pray for him and that I hope that he is standing strong in his faith and wanting to become more like Christ everyday. I end with a daily bible verse and a I love you. Do it! It really helps!!
Ntokozo Rivombo
I love this almost became my comment. For real it’s one thing to have someone specific and obsess over them and it’s another to use journaling as a means of encouragement while you wait… being in your season of solitude and being very intentional in your walk with God where you thrive to hear Him so much He confirms your husband the time He’s gonna come in. Pray for discernment also 🥺❤️
Ricki
Can you guys go check out my blog. Im trying to get at leat 100 readers. so far i have none sadly but im basically writing about my life. I want people to hear about my life without me eeling scared that ill be judged . Feel free to judge me. I Need to hear some of your guy’s judgment sometime. well anyways thanks. just go to ricki2006.blogspot.com. Thanks guys :)
Lexi
I recently turned 16 and I have yet to be in a real relationship, or even a real date for that fact. Now my family has never really been the religious kind. We say prayers once in a while but we don’t normally go to church. I actually got this idea from Tik Tok and reading the comments, I’m not sure what to think. I often find myself thinking about all the cute dates that I eventually wanna go on with someone or all the cute pictures I wanna take with someone. and I often find myself, during the hard moments in my life, wishing I had someone to talk to about things. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been super confused and undecisive lately.
Anyone have any advice?
Mike Ambrosio
Hey Lexi! I just want to clarify before I start that this is a guy and not a woman 😂🤣 And though I’m probably not the best qualified on giving advice I am turning 20 this year and have a few experiences to possibly help. Through my entire life I’ve never really had any relationships and I’ve had plenty of times where I’ve been longing for someone (the one) to love. But, as I’ve grown, I’ve kind of realized that the loneliness might be a tool. Over time I’ve realized that even though I’ve desired a relationship with another person that I was still actually already in a relationship that I didn’t pay much mind too and that was with God himself. I feel like if anything, trying to pursue a relationship with him first is a better idea. I know you say you aren’t too religious, but I would seriously encourage you to pursue a relationship with God. What that means is reading his word and spending a few minutes in the Bible and praying to him every day. You can confide anything and everything to Him and though I still feel lonely at times, He always helps me out. Not to mention that a relationship with God can only become better since God truly is perfect. I know it may stink to still be lonely and I’m still stuck in the same situation, but it also says in the Bible that if you pursue what’s pure and good (relationship with God) that you will begin to be blessed and given what you desire. God’s timing for you may not be right now to find your future spouse but I can say that if you pursue God and a relationship with him, that life will get easier and a lot nicer having someone to talk to. I hope anything of what I just said helps you out!! Hang in there, and I’ll be hanging in there also with you and I pray that God will also be there with you as well! I hope all goes well for you Lexi :)
Moby
Im a 19 year old girl who recently just accepted God into my life and try to live by Christ every day. Im going to give you advice like id give my younger self when i was 16.
Here is a list i made a while back this year that is saved on my computer.
things id tell my younger self:
purity is not outdated
bad company corrupts good character
be in the world not of the world
your culture changes your convictions
asking alone is not praying
church is not an option
fear God
everyone is on a different walk
I have never dated someone. You can imagine at 19, it being normal for everyone to be dating, this can make me feel a bit of an outcast at times. But truthfully there is nothing more perfect than Gods timing. Yes ive had crush on boys and ive entertained the idea especially when i saw they liked me back. But Ever since i was young i knew deep inside how dumb it would be to start dating someone just for the sake of having someone to date. I witnessed all my friends get and lose boyfriends. That was obviously not easy on them. Especially with rumors and how messy and mean people that age can be. Observing all that made me learn so much about relationships despite not ever being in one. Theres so many cute things id love to do with someone one day. And i know when the time is right, God will give me what i ask. Dont rush things. Dont do things because they seem cute. As for the Dear future husband letters, i think if done sparingly it can be a nice thing.It can especially be a good reminder of what you want from your future partner and making sure you arent lowering your standards to someone you wouldnt want to call your husband. My best advice for you is to put God first. i didnt throughout my entire childhood and highschool career. I felt empty, even though i didnt necessarily want a boyfriend and had friends. I felt like my life had no obvious purpose. Do not rush your life girl you are only 16. It might be a normal thing for people your age to be doing these cute things and you might feel left out for not doing them. Stick to your own little hobbies, find love for yourself and say prayers. If you ask, you will recieve. Just remember God wants what is best for you right NOW not in the future or in the past. He is there and he will meet you where you are.
Christ has filled up my cup more than anything or anyone has and will in this world. And after i accepted him in my life, i have never felt such natural everyday joy and content. Just happiness knowing that although everything and everyone around me is temporary, God is eternal and so is my life when i choose him everyday.
shoot me an email ill gladly give you more advice i am full of them :) its : vmairoby@gmail.com
Divine
Girl!!, I’m 19 too and I can relate to your story..
Mike Ambrosio
Sitting in the same boat as you!! Though I am 19 and a guy, I am a writer and had thought about writing many times, but I guess God will know the right timing. I’m just praying it’s soon, but God knows what I don’t and so trusting him is really the best thing we can do!!! Even if at times, it does get lonely.
Nicole
I do understand your point of view but I’m not going to stop writing my letters. I’ve been doing this since I was 16 and I’m almost 20 now. And the reason I’m not going to stop writing is because I am single and secured.
I write because I want my future husband to know how I thought back in the days and what I’d been through before I met him. I want him to know that despite what society say, I waited for him because he deserves to receive my whole heart and not just pieces of it.
And I know God is only going to put him in my life when we are BOTH ready spiritually. I know that he is not going to fulfill me, God is. My husband is not going to complete me, he is going to bring me closer to God.
I am currently single and absolutely secured about it because I know God is going to bring him in the right time.
You’ve experienced a lot of pain and I may not understand it because I haven’t been through it. But I hope that God truly fulfills your needs, if He has not already. I’m sure that he is going to bring someone in your life when you least expect because He loves to surprise us:)) So focus on God, and let Him do the rest for you <3
Kara Beth Post author
Hi Nicole!
It sounds like you have a great perspective on this!
Mike Ambrosio
Hey Nicole! This is actually a guy and not a girl here hahaha. Just wanted to say that I really respected what you had to say!! While I can’t really say I’ve ever written to my future wife I can most definitely say I’ve day dreamed and fantasized and it usually tears me apart when I do. You’re a million percent right when you say that it will all happen in God’s time and I respect that fully! I guess I’m starting to come to realization that while in my waiting for my future wife, it’s just kind of essential to become one with Jesus as my savior and to deepen his and my relationship!! I’m not sure I’ll actually start writing letters, but I will stop fantasizing and instead cling to God’s word and forming more of a relationship with him instead of forging my own path. So, I guess let’s, as fellow believers, continue to deepen our personal relationships with the Lord and again, I really respect how you want to serve God first and foremost!! Thanks for commenting :)
Sumayya
I agree. I feel like there are so many factors that could lead to this “future-perspective heartbreak,” not just the letters, or the letters at all. How I see it is that even if I wasn’t writing the letters but built up this fantasy with guys in my head, I’d still be heartbroken because I would be less God-focused and more me-focused. I believe that writing letters to him has given a great perspective of what I want. Sometimes I’ll see a guy that I think would make a great husband or I’ll develop a crush on someone, and then when I sit down to write my letter to my future husband that week, I’ll realise that the person I thought would be a suitable partner doesn’t meet my and God’s expectations of me (especially when the guy isn’t religious). The letters have helped me make wiser, more mature decisions as opposed to falling for every guy, because I know that the type of man I’m looking for is one that will aid me in finding God, and I know that God will open up that path when I’m ready. It also assists with staying pure and not falling for lustful temptations.
Ntokozo Rivombo
Thank you Nicole well said 🥺❤️ Share the same sentiments
Cheska
Hey Miss! A potential is not your endgame .You got too ahead of God’s plan.You weren’t being realistic because this guy just kinda flirted with you but u assumed that he’s the one.Honestly u were a bit at fault.
Renee
Well ladies, I thoroughly agree with Neva on this. While I think Bonnie was terribly hurt in all of this, and I’m so sorry for that, no one’s gonna steal my dream on this one. This is not my first rodeo so I’m going with this. This isn’t my first marriage and I’m a little older than the rest of you and will find true love. I have been searching for it all my life and will not give up without a fight. Life is too short. My second husband passed away, so I am gonna go with writing letters to my future husband for now, not everyday as I have a separate journal for my future husband, and a separate journal for my thoughts and scriptures, but every once in awhile I like to sit and write to my future husband and dream of our life together and that is healthy to do, so for those of you who are like me, hopeless romantics, keep on keeping on and let’s all feel Bonnie’s pain and learn from her so we too won’t be heartbroken or devastated or disillusioned.
Tali
This was less about writing letters to a ‘future husband’ and more about obsessing over one guy, and on another level it raises many questions about the idea that ‘God said so and so is my husband’ trend among Christian women.
I am agnostic and I have a notebook where I write things I want to share with whoever I marry in the future. The only difference is I dont ascribe that ‘husband’ title to every guy I meet because he’s cute or flirts with me.
As D May said, self control is important. And being realistic.
D
You can still write letters to your future husband. The only reason why this backfired is because you obsessed and let it take over your life. Same thing could happen with other things if you lack control. Balance is key.
Tali
Exactly.
Emily
Yes, yes, yes!!! I can’t say “amen” to this enough. SO many ministries to young girls encourage this practice, and as a “seasoned” single, I wish I could beg them all to STOP. Even if it seems like a harmless and cutesy little idea, it turns into bitterness far more often than it actually helps someone grow in contentment. Please, just point single girls to Jesus. Encourage them to write letters and pour out their hearts to HIM, because God and God alone is the one they need to be running towards. Trust me, if you do get married someday, your husband will be far more thankful for your solid walk with the Lord than he would be to read pages and pages of your lovesick fantasies about him. Jesus is REAL. Your “future husband” might not exist. Please girls, anchor yourselves to the one who has already promised to never leave you or forsake you. You’ll be so glad you did.
Neva Yinger Piombino
While I haven’t experienced anything quite like this, I definitely can say from personal experience that while we do need to plan, prepare and hope for the future, that’s not where we need to be spending most of our time. I could definitely see maybe writing an annual Valentine’s Day letter to a future husband for a few years, or something similar where it’s just an occasional thing that helps you think through important issues related to marriage and prepare a sweet surprise for someone without developing any unhealthy emotional patterns. Of course you can easily hang your romantic hopes on someone who is interested in someone else without writing letters to them, but I think regularly writing to a hypothetical person is risky even without that because you’re inherently drawing away from God and the people who are actually in your life in the here and now in favor of someone who may or may not exist. I do know a lot of girls who have written one “dear future husband” letter, but it’s really more for them than for him, outlining their beliefs about marriage and love, that they look at every now and then. I suppose it depends on the individual person.
Thanks for being willing to share a painful personal experience to demonstrate that sometimes one of those cute Pinterest-y ideas can have major ramifications in your life!
Tali
All very good points.
Olivia
Also, what if God didn’t make the person for you, and you are called to singleness? Have you just wasted all that time on letters and prayers for your “future” husband that you don’t have?? We have better ways to spend our time!
Thank you for this! I’ve seen these sorts of things recommended and I always say “nope!”
Larimar Cabrera
Wow. My sister went through almost the same thing, I felt like I was reading her story but without the letters. She believed this one guy was going to be her husband for almost 2 years. Then he started dating and recently got married. She is at that heartbroken stage and learning to trust God again, but her heart is still hurting. She has decided to give up on the idea of getting married at all.
I don’t know how to help her. I saw this potentially happening before she did, but she wanted to trust God will do this, and have faith in him.
I will share this story with her.