I have been avoiding the topic of saving your first kiss for marriage here on Joy Because Grace, simply because I’ve seen heated debates on this topic! I tend to prefer to avoid conflict as much as possible :) But a blog reader requested this topic, and so here I am :)

Let me back up a bit and provide some backstory to this post-

In some Christian circles, there has recently been a “movement” (for lack of a better word.. I don’t really know what to call it) of people choosing to save their first kiss for their wedding day.

Today, I want to discuss this concept from both sides of the issue.

As an ENFP, I am able to genuinely see all sides of a debate and see the logical and good arguments on each side. (Which is very helpful in moments like these, but less helpful when it comes to picking a restaurant to eat at LOL!)

Anywho, I’m going to keep my personal opinions and what I have personally decided to do out of this post, and instead give you as unbiased opinions as I can :) I personally don’t like it when people on the internet give one-size-fits-all relationship advice, so I hope and pray I don’t add to the noise through this post <3

Ready? Here we go!

Wondering if you should save your first kiss for marriage? Wondering why on earth someone would even think about doing so? Read this!

In favor of saving your first kiss…

I was first introduced to this idea of “saving your first kiss” when I was about 11. My best friend declared to me that she wanted to wait until her wedding day to kiss someone.

I was later reintroduced to this idea from the fantastic Christy Miller books by Robin Jones Gunn, in which a character resolves to save his first kiss for his wedding day.

A few arguments on this front…

If you and your boyfriend don’t kiss, then it will be pretty hard for things to progress further physically between the two of you. I also know some girls whose top love language is physical touch, so they have chosen to refrain from kissing to help guard against the temptation of sexual sin.

I’ve heard it said that once you kiss someone, it can be harder to go back to being “just friends” after the relationship ended. So by not kissing your boyfriend, you could increase the odds that you could stay friends after the relationship ends. (Not saying this is a guarantee, of course, just that it could help.)

I know of many girls who view saving their first kiss as a precious present to give their future husband on their wedding day! Not only are they saving sex for marriage, but they are also saving their first kiss! How sweet and special is that?

Also, if you take kissing out of the picture, you and your boyfriend will have to come up with other ways of showing your affection to one another. This could be even more romantic!

By withholding any hope of physical gratification, a man was forced to respect me. He was forced to prove himself in other ways. He couldn’t win me with his mad kissing skills; so he had to ‘up the ante’ in every other way!

Phylicia Masonheimer

Quick note: If you are someone who wants to save your first kiss until your wedding, then you have to define kissing even farther: Are you not going to kiss at all? Are you only excluding kisses on the lips, but cheek-kisses and forehead-kisses are okay?

You have to know what you think about these topics, and I’d encourage you to know where you stand before you start dating someone. :)

A quick word of encouragement to those of you who are wanting to save your first kiss-

IMG_5950Last week I polled my Instagram followers on their thoughts about kissing or not kissing before marriage. 82% said they fell in the “Yes! Kiss before marriage!” camp. Only 18% said they wanted to save their first kiss until marriage. If you want to save your kiss for your wedding day, you are in the minority in most cases.

If you have decided not to kiss until your wedding day, those around you are most likely going to think you are crazy. Since kissing is such an expected part of a dating relationship, people will think you’re odd if you and your boyfriend don’t kiss.

However, my encouragement to you is don’t give up. Don’t compromise your convictions based on peer pressure or others’ expectations. If you want to save your first kiss for marriage, do it because you want to and/or because you feel God calling you to do so. Stand firm on that decision.

Also- do not look down on your friends who choose to kiss!! Kissing isn’t a sin. This isn’t a salvation issue. Those who choose to kiss before marriage just don’t share your personal convictions. No big deal :)

More reading material about saving your first kiss…

Wondering if you should save your first kiss for marriage? Wondering why on earth someone would even think about doing so? Read this!

In favor of NOT saving your first kiss…

When I was 15, one of my friends said something I will never, ever forget. “Kissing isn’t wrong. It’s what you do with the kiss that matters.”

Let me repeat that: Kissing isn’t wrong! It isn’t sinful!

Now, many married women have told me that they do not think it’s wise for a girl and her boyfriend to be making out alone in a car! They also do not think that making out, in general, is okay. Making out is a form of foreplay, and it prepares our bodies for sex.

But we are not talking about making out in this post. Here, in this post, we are discussing light kissing. A peck on the lips, a kiss on the cheek, a hello/goodbye kiss.

As far as those things go, I think they are 100% okay! If you and your boyfriend want to kiss, then kiss!

A few arguments on this front…

For many people I know, saving their first kiss until marriage just isn’t that big of a deal for them. That doesn’t mean that they don’t value their first kiss or kissing in general.

Several people I know have waited until engagement or for several months after they were dating until they first kissed their boyfriend/girlfriend. They wanted their first kiss with their significant other to be special… without the added pressure of kissing for the first time on a stage.

Speaking of which, a lot of people aren’t comfortable with the idea of having their first kiss be in front of a large audience! So they choose to kiss before they get married to hopefully resolve any kissing-awkwardness on their special day (although I’m sure that’s not the only reason why they kissed before getting married ;) ).

Another argument would be, kissing is special, but kissing before marriage doesn’t devalue that specialness. (Does that make sense?) If something is truly valuable, then it is valuable always, not just under special conditions.

A quick word of encouragement to those of you who are not wanting to save your first kiss-

Treat your kisses with respect and honor. Don’t give them out to just anybody. And when you do find that special someone, still give value to your kisses.

In the Christy Miller series by Robin Jones Gunn, Christy and her boyfriend often kissed. One day, Christy decided that she needed to give more value to her kisses and not give them away so freely. She chose to view restraining from deep kissing as “saving her kisses in a piggy bank.” Then, whenever she got married she would have a bank of deep kisses to now give to her husband. She didn’t stop kissing her boyfriend, she just chose to keep her kisses light and innocent.

Perhaps you would like to do the same.

However, how far you take kissing is a personal decision. A decision your parents, Joshua Harris, Christy Miller, or I cannot make for you. You must make this decision on your own, preferably with prayer.

One last thing- Do not cast judgment on your friends who are choosing to save their first kiss for marriage! They aren’t weirdos, I promise. :) They just have a different conviction than you. Choosing not to kiss isn’t a sin any more than kissing isn’t a sin! This isn’t a salvation issue. :)

Instead of shaking your head in wonder at your friend, choose to encourage her! Not kissing is a hard path to take, and if she feels called to it she will need all of the encouragement she can get!

More material about not saving your first kiss…

  • “Did We Have A First Kiss Wedding?” –By Jordan Taylor (video, skip to 6:24)
  • “Open Q&A | Babies, Boys, And Kissing Before Marriage” –By Emily Wilson (video, skip to 7:21)

Wondering if you should save your first kiss for marriage? Wondering why on earth someone would even think about doing so? Read this!

Wherever you stand, whatever you decide to do, stand firm on your beliefs!

If you want to save your first kiss until marriage- good for you! If you don’t want to- good for you too!

Regardless of which side of this debate you stand on, stand firm! Pray about your decision! Know what you believe and why you believe it! But, please, do not shame those who are on the other side then you ;)

I’m dying to know your thoughts!!

What do you think? To kiss or not to kiss? What have you personally decided to do? Any arguments I missed on either side of the debate?

Let me know in the comments below! :)

Just please keep your comments kind and respectful <3


Let’s be Instagram friends! @essentiallykarabeth

10 thoughts on “To Kiss or Not To Kiss… That Is The Question

  1. Autumn

    I just have to thank you for this post! My boyfriend and I haven’t kissed, but just recently approved of it. You had very insightful information on this topic! I honestly feel like I needed to read this. There’s definitely things you said that I haven’t consider before.

  2. Casey Nicole

    I have chosen to save my first kiss, for my wedding day. But I never thought about like forehead or cheek kisses… I don’t think that saving my first kiss is mandatory, by any means! But I think about how cool it will be to tell the man I nearly that I have saved my first kiss for him. Also, then I won’t have any emotional baggage from previous relationships, if they didn’t work out. I am homeschooled, so I don’t really feel the pressure, but I know that once I do start dating world, or get a little older (I am 16) that will change! Loved the post, thank you!!!

  3. Julie

    I would also add that if you are planning to have sex on your wedding night (not that it’s required, but it is a common expectation), going from your first kiss to sex is a BIG jump in one night, so you and your bf/fiance would definitely need good communication to determine how comfortable each of you are feeling at each step.

    1. Kara Beth Post author

      Oh my goodness YES! Can’t believe I forgot this one haha! I think this is a major “pro-kissing” argument :) Thank you so much for bringing it up, Julie! :) It’s such a great point!

  4. Neva

    I really appreciate how you approach this issue from a personal conviction standpoint, rather than a “there is only one possible correct perspective” standpoint, as many people seem to do with their relationship advice to younger women. Personally, I never had strong feelings on this issue. I had my first kiss at 16, with a friend of mine who I’d been interested in for some time. We definitely weren’t exclusively dating at the time. Perhaps that sounds flippant to some, but that was four years ago and I’m marrying that guy this Friday, and as it turns out haven’t ever kissed anyone else. I think if you consider physical expressions of love important, the exact timeframe for the expression of them isn’t crucial. I never made some big covenant with myself as a young teen. I know those are meaningful to some people, but to me, getting terribly hung up on something that isn’t explicitly commanded in Scripture is discouraging and counterproductive. Great post!!

    1. Kara Beth Post author

      Awww that’s so sweet! I love your story! That’s so cool that you and your fiancé have only kissed each other :) Awww!
      And congratulations!! That’s so exciting! Happy wedding! :) <3

Comments are closed.