Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I by no means have this whole modesty thing figured out, I just wanted to share with y’all what I’ve learned about it thus far. Feel free to disagree with me, but please keep your thoughts respectful and courteous :) Blessings!Modesty-
There are two things you should know about me for the following story to make sense:

1. I am a VERY legalistic person.
2. I don’t like breaking rules.

Anywho…
When I was fourteen, I read one of the most AMAZING books ever (Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris). In one of the chapters of this book they told the story about a teenage girl who wanted to go into the fashion industry, but she wanted to create a modest clothing line. However, she was unsure about what actually constituted as “modest.” In the end, Alex and Brett helped her host a modesty survey on their website, so that she could survey a bunch of Christian guys about what they considered a stumbling block.

I was intrigued.

A few months later, a revival team visited my church. During one of the youth sessions, we split up by gender, and then had a Bible study. I don’t remember what all we talked about, but I remember modesty was addressed. They gave us an acronym to use when we went shopping. S-A-L-T: short, apparent, length, and tight. The Modesty Survey came up in the conversation.

Once again, I was intrigued, so I went home and googled “Modesty Survey” and devoured every word of it.(Remember how I confessed to being legalistic earlier? This is where it comes into play.)

I read the survey again and again, and never questioned it. It became my “fashion go-to guide,” so to speak. What was appropriate for a bathing suit? Is lipstick a stumbling block? What is a good length for shorts? 
The survey addressed all of my questions– and the questions I never would have thought of myself.

However, I was still confused about what was modest, and what was not, because not all of the guys who took the survey agreed about what was modest. (Which should have been a clue to how modesty isn’t an objective concept…)

Modesty my journey

So, I kinda sorta took an extreme stance.

For example, one summer I ordered a “modest” bathing suit on line. The suit was a one piece, and had cap sleeves, and a long skirt that came down to mid thigh, and spandex like shorts that came down basically as far as the skirt. The suit was a soft pink color and had tropical flowers on it. I was so excited for my new modest bathing suit!! It finally came in, and I loved it so much!

… that is, until I wore it to go swimming.
I was suddenly very self-conscious. I developed a mixture of embarrassment and pride whenever I would wear it. Sure, I’m the only one wearing a suit like this, but it just shows how much I care about protecting my Christian brothers!  And then somewhere along the line I began to secretly judge girls who wore bikinis.  … #PrideAlert

The next year, I ditched the “modest” suit since it had made me so self-conscious, and went with a traditional tankini top and swim skirt.

But my desire to wear modest clothes still prevailed.

It wasn’t until I joined Project Inspired, a website for Christian girls, that my views of the demanding nature of modesty began to change.

Many a debate (read: argument) about modesty happened in the PI forums. There were girls who only wore skirts, and there were girls who were perfectly okay with bikinis and spaghetti tops and skinny jeans, and there were girls all in between.

The debates basically turned into people slamming people who held differing opinions than them (ah, gotta love internet debates). The word “modesty” soon became a taboo subject on this site, but nonetheless, my eyes were opened to new opinions, and a new way of thinking about clothing.

Someone mentioned the concept of modesty flowing from the heart. This was something I had heard of, of course, but I had never really thought about it until this point.

And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense: Modesty flows from the heart.

The story of how my views of modesty changed from that of rules to that of humility.

One day on Project Inspired, a girl shared a link to an article about modesty. I expected to see people refuting this article on the thread and debates springing up as usual, but to my surprise, most everybody who had slammed modesty before was agreeing with this article.They were even saying how they thought it summed up modesty perfectly.

I had to check this out.

The article she posted was entitled, Modesty: I Don’t Think it Means What You Think it MeansIn this article, Rachel Evans writes,

What I’ve only just begun to realize is that these two extremes represent different sides of the same coin. While popular culture tends to disempower women by telling them they must dress to get men to look at them, the modesty culture tends to disempower women by telling them they must dress to keep men from looking at them.

In both cases, the impetus is placed on the woman to accommodate her clothing or her body to the (varied and culturally relative) expectations of men. In both cases, it becomes the woman’s job to manage the sexual desires of men, and thus it is seen as her fault if a man ignores her on the one hand or objectifies her on the other.

Often, these two cultures combine to send out a pulse of confusing messages: “Look cute … but not too cute! Be modest … but not frumpy! Make yourself attractive … but not too attractive!” Women are left feeling ashamed of their bodies as they try desperately to contort around a bunch of vague, ever-changing ideals. It’s exhausting, really, dressing for other people.

She then points out several scripture references about modesty, commenting on the fact that most of the time when the Bible talks about modesty, it’s in regard to materialism. (Please, please, please, go read all of Rachel’s article and then come back. It’s really too good to pass up!)

Anywho, 1 Peter 3:3-4 commands us not to “let your adorning be external– the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear– but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

This verse has always kinda bothered me for two reasons:
1. I love braiding hair.
2. I’m not all that gentle or quiet.

I looked up the Greek words Peter used, and the word for gentle is praus, which can mean “humble” or “meek,” and the word used for quiet is hesychios, which can mean “still” or “peaceable.” (Source: ESV Strong’s Bible, via Olive Tree.)

And finally, it hit me:

Modesty is humility.

My heart began to soften. I slowly stopped judging girls who wore clothes I had previously deemed “immodest.” I slowly stopped worrying about how my clothing was “affecting” guys. (Slowly, because bad habits take a while to break.) Both of these attitudes of mine were infiltrated with pride.

Modesty: My Journey

My standards for clothing changed.

Instead of measuring hemlines whilst in the dressing room, my utmost criteria for clothes is the following: Could I worship God in this?  

And y’all, this made swimsuit shopping last summer so much less stressful. I tried on various suits, and once I found one that I liked, I asked myself, If I were to attend a Bible study on a beach, would I be able to focus on God and worship him in this swimsuit, or would I be focused on myself and what I look like?

Because, ultimately, it doesn’t matter how much of me is covered. If I’m constantly checking my clothes and making sure that I’m still “modest,” I’m focused on ME. Not God. ME. And that’s not cool, and it’s certainly not modest.

Which explains why my “modest” swimsuit from years ago was the most immodest swimsuit I have ever owned, not because of the suit itself–the suit was great!– but because of the pride that grew in my heart when I wore it. I could not have attended a Bible study on a beach in that swimsuit and been focused on God. I would have been too worried about what other people thought about me.

So when I get dressed in the mornings, I strive to dress for God, and then to dress for me. Guys do not enter the picture, nor should they.


Note: I would have linked to the modesty survey, but Brett and Alex took it down from their site. Apparently there was a lot of controversy about it, because people were viewing it as a list of rules, instead of something to take as worth a grain of salt (much like I did). Here is the link to where it was, if you would like to read some of the comments about it and why it no longer exists. Brett Harris has also published an article about how men need to be modest too, if you would like to read it. I thought it was interesting.

7 thoughts on “Modesty: My Journey

  1. Katie

    I just came across this, Kara. I love it. I loved reading your journey on modesty. I am also writing an article on Modesty for my church. Thanks for the extra links. I am going to have to read these articles. I have found it interesting how much the perspective differs between Christians. I’d love to link you to my article when it is ready.
    Katie
    Katie recently posted…Are you in awe?My Profile

  2. katie

    LOVE!!! Modest flows from the heart. so true! that’s what jesus cares about.. our hearts! Thank you for this post!!

  3. Rachel G

    I really, really liked this post. While I have a tender heart toward modesty, there’s much that disturbs me about the modesty culture within Christianity. The lists of rules can be mystifying, and there’s no denying that culture highly impacts what people consider modest. I grew up in Malaysia, and I was surprised when i came to America and was confronted with different standards. I’ve read posts written by Christian women who say when they meet a woman who wears pants instead of long skirts, they assume she’s non-Christian…but then, long skirts are my husband’s least favorite clothing in the whole world, if I put one on, he’ll moan and groan about how ugly it is (occasionally I’ll ignore that because some occasions demand full-length dresses/skirts, but I think there’s value in paying attention to your husband’s own clothing preferences–I would say it’s a part of modesty and submission for a married woman)…so it’s kind of mystifying to me to think that some of my fellow Christian women might assume I’m a non-Christian because I wear jeans since my husband prefers me to wear jeans…in that sort of situation, it seems priorities have become skewed.

  4. Justine Y

    I love this so much! For me, dressing modestly is not about helping men to have pure thoughts or whatnot, but it’s more about how I feel in it and the message that I’m sending to my Heavenly Father.
    I think you shared your testimony of this so eloquently, thanks so much Kara!

  5. Justine Y

    I love this so much! For me, dressing modestly is not about helping men to have pure thoughts or whatnot, but it’s more about how I feel in it and the message that I’m sending to my Heavenly Father.
    I think you shared your testimony of this so eloquently, thanks so much Kara!

  6. ChelsFaith

    This is the greatest, Kara. Thank you for such a fresh perspective on modesty. As a competitive swimmer, I have to attend meets in tight, one-piece suits, and the suit is designed to help me swim faster. I often attend swim meets in short shorts and tank tops because it’s most convenient. It’s always hard to know where to draw the line, but this is a good perspective to take in thought. Thank you!

  7. Lindsay

    Swimsuit shopping is the worst! Especially because of the cute stuff is online so when I order them I never know how they will really be. This was such a beautiful post and you are a very gifted writer :)

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