As I sat down on the pew in church this morning, the thought struck me: I just lied to her.
Kacie, the children’s minister, had just come up to me and gave me a hug, and asked “How are you?”
I automatically responded “Good, how are you?” and instantly there was a pang in my gut. I lied. I hadn’t meant to lie… it was like my brain went numb and the words had flown out of my mouth on autopilot.
Because, the truth is, I wasn’t good. I was doing good just to be in church this morning, because honestly I felt like crawling into my bed and staying there all day, crying until I ran out of tears.
I wasn’t good.
I wasn’t fine.
I wasn’t even “just okay.”
I was doing lousy.
And it’s not even like I wanted to hide the truth of how I was doing from Kacie. I fully trust her and know I should have told her how I really was feeling- how I wanted to turn invisible and how I wanted church to be over already so I could go back up to the hospital.
You see, one of my best friends went to the ER yesterday afternoon. He was finally admitted into the hospital to stay a while, and they don’t know what’s wrong with him.
When I left the hospital last night, they thought he had one thing. But when I woke up this morning, I had a text saying that they no longer think he has that, and now we’re back to square one.
I’m scarred. I’m worried. And I’m far from “Good.”
And this morning, my tongue lied before I could even think twice about it. Because if I had thought twice, I would have said, “Honestly, I’m not doing too good. My friends in the hospital, and we don’t know what’s wrong, could you please pray for him?!”
But I was scared to say that. I was scared to admit how I truly felt, because I was already on the verge of tears. And even though I know that church is a place for the broken, I was scared to admit I was shattered into pieces.
So, instead of bravely telling the truth, I hid behind the mask I know so well- the mask of a smile and a “Good, how are you?”
But I don’t like hiding behind the mask.
Because when I’m hiding, pretending all is fine, I refuse to let God fully work in my life. I act like I have it all together, when nothing could be further from the truth.
And I know God has a plan. I do. And I’m **trying** to trust him. But guys, sometimes that’s just so darn hard! It’s hard to trust God when everything is spiraling out of control, and you don’t know what’s going on or what to do.
So I’m removing the mask.
I’m not good, but God is. And he has a plan. And I’m learning to trust him.
Update (7/21/15): My friend who was in the hospital is fine. The doctors released him after three days (the three most stressful days of my life) and it turns out he had a strange version of salmonella! But he’s recovered from that now. Yay!!! :D