As I sat down on the pew in church this morning, the thought struck me: I just lied to her.
Kacie, the children’s minister, had just come up to me and gave me a hug, and asked: “How are you?”
I automatically responded “Good, how are you?” and instantly there was a pang in my gut. I lied. I hadn’t meant to lie… it was like my brain went numb and the words had flown out of my mouth on autopilot.
Because, the truth is, I wasn’t good. I was doing good just to be in church this morning, because honestly, I felt like crawling into my bed and staying there all day, crying until I ran out of tears.
I wasn’t good.
I wasn’t fine.
I wasn’t even “just okay.”
I was doing lousy.
You see, one of my best friends went to the ER yesterday afternoon. He was finally admitted into the hospital to stay a while, and they don’t know what’s wrong with him.
When I left the hospital last night, they thought he had one thing. But when I woke up this morning, I had a text saying that they no longer think he has that, and now we’re back to square one.
I’m scared. I’m worried. And I’m far from “Good.”
And this morning, my tongue lied before I could even think twice about it. Because if I had thought twice, I would have said, “Honestly, I’m not doing too good. My friends in the hospital and we don’t know what’s wrong, could you please pray for him?!”
But I was scared to say that. I was scared to admit how I truly felt because I was already on the verge of tears. And even though I know that church is a place for the broken, I was scared to admit I was shattered into pieces.
So, instead of bravely telling the truth, I hid behind the mask I know so well- the mask of a smile and a “Good, how are you?”
But I don’t like hiding behind the mask.
Because when I’m hiding, pretending all is fine, I refuse to let God fully work in my life. I act like I have it all together when nothing could be further from the truth.
And I know God has a plan. I do. And I’m **trying** to trust him. But guys, sometimes that’s just so darn hard! It’s hard to trust God when everything is spiraling out of control, and you don’t know what’s going on or what to do.
So I’m removing the mask.
I’m not good, but God is. And he has a plan. And I’m learning to trust him.
Update (7/21/15): My friend who was in the hospital is fine. The doctors released him after three days (the three most stressful days of my life) and it turns out he had a strange version of salmonella! But he’s recovered from that now. Yay!!! :D
Let’s stay connected! Like Joy Because Grace on Facebook.
Dad
FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW your FRIEND is doing BETTER TONIGHT!!! That is a HUGE PRAISE & answer to MANY PRAYERS!!! Let’s continue to pray that God will totally work HIS HEALING POWERS and a total NORMAL long life is ahead for your BF!!! :-)
To your lie on Sunday… I often wonder why as Christians we do this all the time… I am fine or I am good or everything is great when life is crumbling around us. We all do it and everyone has to admit that, so therefore, we all LIE. Maybe, we don’t really want to burden someone else down or our pride gets in the way and we just want everything to appear to be good when it really is not. Maybe it is a way of trying to cope with the fact that at that moment in time, our life is or has fallen apart before our eyes and we don’t know how to express the pain without going in to tears and just melting down, so we say… ALL IS GOOD, when we probably should say ALL IS GODS and He has it all under-control. When we feel at our worst, we must remember that we can TRUST HIM because HE KNOWS the plan.
I believe that when our life, dreams, and plans fall apart regardless of the reason, a sick friend, an unexpected death of a family member, day to day problems just overwhelm us, it could be God trying to get our attention so that we can continually come to the understanding that we need HIM MORE because He is the only one we can truly count on to know our pain afterall, God’s Son died for US, just for yours and my little lie… I’m fine… Right… Jesus DIED for that one, along the with BIG ONES. The AWESOME thing with God is that when we truly ask for forgiveness He forgives and FORGETS!!! The forgetting part is usually the hard part for us.
I believe that God allows us to experience times like this due to an illness or just working through some frustrationing time, just before an unbelievable breakthrough that God is wanting to do, so I am expecting something BIG, probably a MIRICLE! ;-) I believe that God has great plans for YOU, when you rely on Him and keep trying and trying to following Him, BAM – God lets you in on He wants you to learn & know. I have discovered that frustration is often God’s way of reminding me that I am just NOT that good, and I need Him and His Spirit to work through me way more than I need to rely on my own strengths and abilities.
I also believe that when we allow our past failures rather it is something small like “I’m good” or something big to overwhelm us, Satan wins. We can continue to live in to past or move forward after all Jesus makes ALL THINGS new, and that includes you and me. I know my failures, but I KNOW GOD is MUCH BIGGER than my failures and that by Jesus dying on the cross he covered ALL of my SINS and failures, not just some of them.
Each day I learn to TRUST HIM more and when I feel overwhelmed by my past, I remember this: God is not threatened by my past or my current circumstances and will use my past to help others in the future, if I let Him. PS… I just thought this was good and wanted to include it… I recently read this and found it to be a great way to think about who Jesus is… “He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God. And that same God lives in YOU!”
Love YOU & your FRIEND!!! Dad
MiMi
Learning to trust God is something that never ceases.. Learning to be honest before Him is always something that grows as we grow older and grow up in the Lord. God provides us with many Christian friends to pray us through those times when we don’t know what is going on. Praying for your friend.